How many of you remember the horrors of National Dental Hygiene Week?

All students were forced to chew pink pills called “disclosing tablets,” whose cherry-red residue revealed every flaw between your teeth. Then an adult in a lab coat would pry open your mouth and utter comments like, “Hmm, Uh huh, and Ut oh,” as if you were a mule headed for auction.

After the examination, they’d scratch red Xs on a form depicting your upper and lower teeth. We were instructed to take the form home, shove it in our parent’s face, and demand better dental care. 

The only good that came out of this was pretending to be a blood-sucking vampire.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our dental hygienist  is Vladmira Diesel Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

When Shelley was in a good mood, decorating cakes served as a form of artistic expression. She loved seeing people smile when they picked up their cake.

On a bad day, it was a mindless activity that kept her hands busy while she vented frustration or anger. Today was such a day. 

While decorating a golf cake, ordered by a secretary for her boss’s birthday. Shelley mashed a little plastic golfer into the green icing and stabbed a pin flag with the number 60 next to a hole she’d poked with her finger.

“Let’s see you make this putt, asshole.” 

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* another excerpt from Criminal Mimes

Happy New Year!  Football bowl season is in full swing. In an effort to attract a new generation of customers, Depends and AARP have partnered to sponsor the  American Incontinence Bowl. The game will be played in Leaky Bladder, Texas and features the Arizona Arthritics versus the Minnesota Memory Loss. 

Expect the action to be slow with timeouts after every two plays to allow the participants (and fans) plenty of bathroom breaks. The Charmin Blue Bears will perform at halftime (or nap time) with a special tribute to bath tissue icon Mr. George Whipple.

If this is your first Friday Flash Fiction bowl game, our referee, a graduate of the Helen Keller School of Umpiring, is Megan Magoo Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

In 1969, the Keebler elves began marketing cookies, crackers, and other treats manufactured in their magical hollow tree. Due to Keebler’s popularity and success, other vertically-challenged folklore creatures such as leprechauns, smurfs, and fairies have entered the baked goods market.

Not to be outdone, a curly-haired entrepreneur from the Midwest recently opened her own factory under the name Troll House Treats.

The products are made from all-natural ingredients and claim to be high in fiber. These include Chocolate Covered Rabbit Raisins and Deer Dropping Troll House Cookies. Those with more adventurous taste may want to try her Malted Mothball Mints.

Whatever happened to TV show theme songs and jingles for products? I can still recall most of the lyrics to Gilligan’s Island and Texaco Gasoline (you can’t trust your car to the man who wears the star).  It gives me an ear worm just thinking about those songs. 

Now, it’s your turn. Give me a few lyrics in the comments for a current TV show or product, such as The Bachelor or Georgie & Mandy’s First Marriage  (no drug ads please).

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess, whose singing makes goosebumps rise on the back of Godzilla’s neck, is Ethyl Mermaid Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

Thousands of frogs lived in a beautiful pond surrounded by trees. The adults crouched on lily pads feasting on insects while their young took turns hopping over each other’s backs.

Due to a ban on family planning, the population exploded and food-insecurity became an issue . A hateful old frog, renowned for his stubbornness and lack of brain power, conned the majority into believing he had a solution.

“I’ll make the pond great again,” he croaked. He offered a former enemy a thousand healthy young frogs in exchange for fifty mosquitos.

His trade partner opened a restaurant. 

All-you-can-eat frog legs, 200 rubles.

One of my favorite game shows as a kid was Concentration. Contestants had to match squares to reveal a hidden rebus puzzle (pictogram), then solve the puzzle to win the game. According to some historians, pictograms were the earliest form of written communication. Then the Egyptians came along and got all uppity with their hieroglyphics. 

What were some of your favorite game shows?

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess, who played Shirley Tadpole in short-running TV series, Sea Runt,  is Gertrude Ederle” Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

“Since it’s raining,” teacher said, “we’ll have recess indoors today.”

“Awwrg,” groaned little Johnny. “They don’t call ’em bored games for nothing.”

Teacher shrugged. “Those who prefer, can do arts and crafts.”

“Oh, boy!” Shelley grabbed a purple crayon and began drawing wine glasses.

Johnny selected a brown crayon and created a pictogram of a boy with cloud behind him, an ampersand, and a “Ha, ha” speech ballon.

“What’s that supposed to be?” asked Shelley.

Johnny flashed a mischievous grin. “Didn’t you hear the teacher say we could do farts and laughs?”

There’s a “gentlemen’s club” (titty bar to those of you less refined) in our town called The Peppermint Hippo.  I wonder if the name reflects the physiques of the dancers or the clientele, but I haven’t dared to seek permission from my wife to investigate in person.

 It did remind me of a book premise where a con man opened a club featuring plus-size women, planning to use it as a money laundering operation. Much to his dismay, it became so popular that it defeated his original purpose. I wonder if there’s a market for plus-sized, elderly male dancers? I may have to brush up on my moves.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess, who sprinkles radioactive dust from her magic wand is Pixie “The Purple Marionette” Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

It was her third year at Walla Walla Bing Bang when Shelley saw and touched her first invisible object. The theatre arts professor invited a guest speaker, Claude DeKalb, a professional mime, to lecture the class. 

“Close your eyes and imagine a world of infinite possibilities, where anything you can envision becomes real—for the mind must conceive before the eyes can behold.” 

In a Zen-like state of consciousness, Shelley stretched forth her hand and encountered something solid. Hard, yet smooth and cool to the touch. 

She opened her eyes.

“Oh my God!” she whispered reverently. “I can see it!” 

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*the above is a snippet from my unpublished novel, Criminal Mimes.

Recently, I visited a dermatologist for a scab atop my left ear.  He told me it was an age spot—which had to be a lie. At 68, I’m much too young for those.  He took a biopsy of a different spot on my ear which came back as Basal Cell Carcinoma.  The doctor carefully explained that this was in no way related to Oregano Beltoma, or Rudolph Casanova.

He scraped a dime-sized area and the nurse covered it with a 2 ft. square bandage. Thinking I’d advertise like a NASCAR driver, I made a sign saying, “Rent Russell’s Ear.” My new sponsor is a panhandler and now the bandage reads, “Anything helps!” 

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess, who thinks 3 ft. is the deep end of the pool, is Rubber Duckie Wisoff-Fields.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

At first, I was angry, then embarrassed. 

My lawyer recommended I accept the plea bargain and weekly psychiatric counseling.

Clutching my purple emotional-support crayon, I entered the shrink’s office. 

The doctor greeted me with open arms. He remained silent while I shared my inclination to clip people’s Do-Not-Remove tags and devour their bran cereals when they weren’t home. I related my arrest, booking, and alleged kleptomania. 

You should’ve seen his face when I mentioned the invisible box.

The treatments cost $160 a pop.

For that money, I should get more than a couple of pillow tags and a rag doll.

A few years ago, someone gave me a book entitled, Keep Your Brain Alive. I took this to mean the anonymous donor of this book wanted to preserve my brain in a glass jar for use in a future transplant—ala Dr. Frankenstein. 

The book contains 83 Neurobic Exercises to prevent memory loss and increase mental fitness.  One of which is to brush your teeth with your nondominant hand. I gave it shot. My brain refused to cooperate. Instead of the bush moving up and down & back and forth, my toothbrush remained stationary, and my head bobbed up and down and side-to-side. Evidently, I have an Abby Normal type of brain.

Do you have any brain calisthenics you practice? If so, please list them in the comments.

If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess is Anne Uumellmahaye Wisoff-Fields, whose brain has been pickled-purple by the use of said color.  If you’d like to participate in this exercise in madness, head over to her blog for step-by-step instructions. To view the FFF Hollywood Squares Authors Block click here.

My husband, Brad, came home with a tray of small plants. 

“The guy at Lowe’s said they’re practically maintenance free. Just plug ’em in, water, and voilà—instant blooms.” 

He also bought a bag of worm castings—a polite name for worm poo. 

“You don’t expect me to stick my hands in that, do you?” I asked. 

“Try these on.” He handed me a pair of gloves. 

They were floral print with pink rubber palms. I stuck my hand in one and flexed the fingers. Not exactly Boston Strangler quality, but I figured they’d work for a crime against nature.